The Starfleet Officer
by SandraK
Summary: Chakotay discovers Janeway's been lying to him all along about her mission in the Delta Quadrant.
1. Default Chapter

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey-this is actually a pretty old story. I never had it beta read, consequently there were a number of pretty glaring mistakes in the text. I basically just went back to correct some of the more glaring ones, so if you've read this before, there's nothing new.  
  
I wrote this partly to explain some of the ridiculous continuity issues Voyager had, and partly to redeem Seska. She was probably the most formidable villain Voyager had, yet TIIC managed to turn her into another vindictive, mindless, ex-girlfriend seen all too often on TV  
  
I guess I also wanted to work on Janeway. TPTB touched on a number of interesting character issues-the darkening of her character, her depression in the Void-but failed to follow through or really develop any of these aspects of the character. So, here's my attempt.  
  
PART ONE  
  
"You scream, and by God, I'll kill you."  
  
Janeway tried to take a deep breath, and was hindered somewhat by the arm jamming against her throat. The tip of the phaser pressed painfully into her side. She didn't need to look down to see that it was there.  
  
She had been in the Mission District of San Francisco, walking aimlessly down the hushed street. It was nearly three a.m., and few people were out wandering this area of the city. She knew it wasn't safe, but she didn't care. She didn't care until the sound of rapid, shuffling footsteps met her ears, and before she could turn, an arm locked around her throat, choking off her scream.  
  
She was hauled backwards, by a strength and bulk she couldn't match, and when she recognized the unmistakable feel of a phaser pressed into her side, a part of her froze. She struggled only to keep her feet under her as her assailant shuffled her out of the main street and into the blackness of a side alley.  
  
"You scream, and by God, I'll kill you." The harsh, impassioned voice rang familiar to her ears, and her fears died down even as surprise at his conduct set in.  
  
They now stood close, intimately close, in the blackness, her back crushed against his heaving chest, their breath, visible in the cold of the night, forming one hazy cloud. She clutched up at his arm, silently urging him to ease up his painful grip. After a few moments, he did.  
  
"I could scream," she whispered hoarsely, eyes unfocused on the dark wall in front of her, "But I don't think you'll kill me."  
  
She felt his chest shake in a derisive laugh. "You'd be surprised what I'm capable of right now," he said gruffly, and suddenly, his arm tightened around her throat, and he hauled her backwards again. She stumbled clumsily back against his chest as he urged her with him, and then the phaser eased up from her side; the sound of its beam hissed through the night as an orange glow suffused the walls and then died away. Then the unmistakable sound of a door opening.  
  
He unceremoniously whirled her around and shuffled her into the darkness of the unlit side room. His grip on her remained only briefly before he shoved her away from him, and she stumbled blindly to her knees in the blackness. She heard him slam the door closed, and then light flooded the room as he snapped on his wrist beacon. She twisted around to look back at him, and squinted against the glare.  
  
He only said, "Talk."  
  
She cocked her head. "How did you get here?"  
  
"You mean how did I escape from the confinement center? I had my ways." His voice was angry. "Did I frighten you, Kathryn?"  
  
She rose to her feet, and brushed herself off. "I had nothing to do with your confinement. In any case, it's only temporary."  
  
He scoffed. "And why should I believe anything you say, now?"  
  
She shrugged noncommittally. "You shouldn't." She knew the phaser was still pointed at her. "But I assure you, Starfleet will release the Maquis as soon as processing is complete. I do still have friends here."  
  
"Evidently." He took a step closer. "And how happy were your friends," he spat the word, "at the success of your mission?"  
  
She let out a breath. After a moment, she said, "You wanted me to talk. I assume that's why you brought me here."  
  
Silence.  
  
"How much do you want to know, Chakotay? I would assume they've told you everything."  
  
"I want to hear it from you."  
  
"Fine."  
  
"And I want to hear it all."  
  
"Fine." She darted her glance around the room, and spotted a few overturned pieces of furniture. "I suggest we sit down, then. This will take a while."  
  
His voice was dangerous. "We have all the time in the world."  
  
Kathryn lowered herself to a sitting position. After a pause, he followed suit.  
  
She began, "I presume you want to know just how much I knew about the mission." She paused, and then said quietly, "Well, I didn't know about the mission. Not at first. I wouldn't have taken command of Voyager if I'd known about the mission."  
  
* * *  
  
"What's wrong, Kath?"  
  
Kathryn's face was concerned as she watched the Irish Setter sluggishly nose about the park. "Look at her, Mark. She hasn't been herself lately."  
  
"Ah, I'm sure she's fine," he said with a heavy sigh, and draped an arm around her to try to urge her back down onto the grass; she resisted.  
  
"I'm worried about her," Kathryn said firmly. "I wish I had time to take her to the vet." she turned a pair of concerned, pleading eyes to him, even as a little smile played across her lips.  
  
Mark slumped back down onto the grass, and with a sheepish grin threw up his hands. "All right, all right, for Christ's sakes. I'll take the damn mutt to the doctor."  
  
Kathryn flashed him a smile, and lay down. She snuggled up against him. "Thanks, honey. I'd do this myself, but with Voyager shipping out in a few days."  
  
"You don't need to remind me that you're leaving. I'm already trying to figure out how to spend my Saturday nights."  
  
Kathryn chuckled. She then contented herself with silence, relishing the quiet. This was the last day of their romantic excursion around Ireland. They'd slept in ancestral villages, and picnicked in green meadows under an open, blue sky. Now, after a delicious meal and some red wine, she and Mark snuggled amidst one of the most beautiful stretches of meadow, surrounded by yawning green hills. She craned her neck up to look at him again, and his eyes fell down to meet hers. He smiled.  
  
"What are you thinking?"  
  
She reached up and caressed his cheek. "I was just looking forward to a whole lifetime of this."  
  
He kissed her hand, and murmured, "I'm going to miss you."  
  
Kathryn scoffed. "It's only three weeks, Mark."  
  
He looked away. "Three weeks. Next time how many will it be?"  
  
She raised herself onto an elbow, and said softly, "Just three weeks, Mark. I was assured time and again the missions would average three weeks." She leaned forward to press a kiss upon his lips, then pulled back to smile wryly. "Besides, I already arranged for some time off for the honeymoon."  
  
"How considerate!" he exclaimed dryly, but Kathryn felt his chest muscles relax beneath her fingers. He had accepted her frequent absences long ago.  
  
"I do my best," she shot back.  
  
He crushed her back up against him, then planted a kiss on her forehead. "You know, Molly may not be sick."  
  
"I hope not," Kathryn replied, her mood suddenly darkening.  
  
He glanced wryly at her. "You did say she'd been spending a lot of time with that other pooch, the one owned by the Greenfield family."  
  
Kathryn shot up, and her eyes urgently sought his. "You don't think she's pregnant, do you?"  
  
He shrugged. "I'm no vet."  
  
A smile broke across Kathryn's face, and she looked over at Molly, who was now slowly making her way over to the couple. "Oh, wouldn't that be wonderful-- think of all the puppies!"  
  
Mark lay back, eyes haunted in clear distress. "Oh God, I'm thinking of them."  
  
She patted his cheek lovingly, too happy to acknowledge his trepidation. "Mark, I'll make a dog lover of you if it kills me."  
  
"I'm quaking in my boots," he replied with an honest chuckle. Kathryn curled her arm around him, and in that moment, the future ahead was bright. It was the last time Kathryn could remember everything seeming so full of hope.  
  
* * *  
  
"--I didn't ask for a touching account about your old boyfriend, Kathryn," Chakotay interrupted her. "I want to know about the mission!"  
  
Kathryn was pulled away from her thoughts, and she gazed up at him in the darkness. After a moment, she said softly, "I am getting to the mission. You said you wanted to know everything, so I'm telling you everything."  
  
He held her eye for a few moments. Kathryn was opening her soul to him; the truth was, he just didn't know if he wanted to look inside.  
  
After a moment, he gave a nod for her to continue.  
  
She added, "I just told you that so you realize--realize that I had as much to lose as you did, that I didn't plot this from the beginning."  
  
This. This. The words hearkened back those terrible moments, right after he was called in to meet with Janeway and a few high-ranking admirals-- Hayes, Nechayev, Paris. He'd been excited about being on Earth; he'd been nervous about recriminations against the Maquis. He came into the room and immediately began to accept responsibility for the actions of his Maquis crew when Admiral Hayes waved him silent.  
  
"As far as we're concerned, your actions as a Maquis have been more than redeemed by your actions as a Starfleet officer." Hayes smiled, and he felt Kathryn tense next to him. "You performed a valuable service for Starfleet."  
  
"Service?" Chakotay asked, and cast a confused glance over at Kathryn. She just stood there at attention, looking straight ahead of her, eyes like granite. She let the admirals explain everything to him. She just stood there the whole goddamn time, silent.  
  
And then Janeway was speaking again.  
  
* * *  
  
To tell you the truth, it wasn't until we returned from Ocampa that I received the order. A transmission. Starfleet Command had imbedded it into the computer, to be fed directly to my console the minute Voyager's sensors detected a pattern similar to the array's. I overlooked it at first. I spent the whole first night in the Delta Quadrant in my ready room, and I didn't even notice the transmission. I guess they're lucky I saw it at all. And when I did see it, I didn't even know if I'd follow it.  
  
* * *  
  
She couldn't believe it; she just couldn't believe it.  
  
What the hell kind of mission was this? What was Starfleet pulling on her?  
  
She stared at the frozen image of Admiral Hayes on the miniature view screen. She had returned from the surface of Ocampa with Tuvok, Paris, and Kim only a few minutes ago. They were planning to return to the array, to convince the Caretaker to return Voyager to the Alpha Quadrant. Chakotay was on the Maquis ship with his own wayward crewmember, B'Elanna Torres. Everything seemed to be falling into order. until she entered her ready room to grab some data from her console and found an encrypted message, recorded almost a week before, blinking on her console.  
  
Admiral Hayes, the old windbag who tried to make people laugh at cocktail parties, now looked solemn as he informed her that if she was viewing this message, then Voyager's sensors had obviously detected a powerful entity known as the Caretaker. He listed her duties and obligations as a Starfleet officer to protect the welfare of the Federation, and abide by the protocols set by Starfleet's guiding principles and her superior officers.  
  
Then he ordered her to ensure the complete and final destruction of the array. The only way for her to do that, he told her, was for Voyager to remain in the Delta Quadrant for the time being, to make sure that not a single bulkhead remained intact.  
  
Destroy the array? Did they seriously mean her to destroy the array? And strand her crew in the Delta Quadrant? Like hell.  
  
Was this some sort of joke?  
  
Or a nightmare?  
  
"The reasons for this must remain confidential, for the time being, Captain. All will be revealed in due time." Hayes then continued, impassive, as though he were reading tomorrow's lunch menu, "But I cannot stress enough the importance of this endeavor. You must ensure the destruction of this array. The freedom of our quadrant depends upon your success."  
  
Just as Janeway felt her head reel from the implications of this order, he added that all hope of return was not lost: there was a known portal, about 4,000 light years away, that would take Voyager most of the journey back to the Alpha Quadrant. "If you set the course now being displayed upon your console, you should reach what Starfleet Intelligence has uncovered as an ancient Iconian portal that will shorten your journey by a good sixty-five years." He then smiled. "I look forward to seeing you in about five years time, with some interesting stories to tell. Godspeed, Captain Janeway. And good luck."  
  
I'm not going to do it. There's no way in hell I'm going to do this.  
  
Janeway staggered out of the office, numbly ordering Tuvok to accompany her onto the array, her mind awhirl with information. Starfleet already knew about the Caretaker? But how! And why did Hayes want her to destroy it? What was so goddamn important about the Caretaker that she had to maroon her crew on the other side of the galaxy for a good four years? And what about Mark! They were supposed to get married in three months! She couldn't be out here five years!  
  
On the array, the entity begged her to destroy him, to ensure the survival of the Ocampa. Hayes's order still fresh in her mind, the entity's pleas on behalf of the Ocampa, and the brutality of the Kazon currently pummeling her ship fresh on her mind, Janeway gradually allowed herself to be convinced to go ahead and destroy the array. Silently thankful to the Caretaker for giving her 1) an excuse to destroy the array, and 2) some justification in her own mind for the ghastly deed she was about to perform, Janeway returned to the ship, and ordered Tuvok to fire the two tri-cobalt devices at the array (devices that appeared so conveniently in Voyager's weapons manifest. She hadn't even thought to question the inventory when the ship departed Deep Space Nine!)  
  
B'Elanna Torres ripped forward angrily when Janeway announced her intent, and demanded to know who Janeway thought she was to make the decision for all of them. Chakotay surprised Janeway by interceding on her behalf, and Janeway felt a rush of gratitude that he'd defended her actions.  
  
The array blew to pieces, and Admiral Hayes's order was fulfilled. Voyager was stranded in the Delta Quadrant, and Janeway was still a good Starfleet officer.  
  
Her only comfort was the knowledge that the Iconian portal was less than 4,000 light years away.  
  
Just four years, she consoled herself, every time she began to feel the wear of the quadrant.  
  
Four years, and we'll be home.  
  
* * *  
  
"Iconian portal?" Chakotay demanded. He blinked. "You never told me about this. We never encountered any portal."  
  
"I know," Janeway whispered, her eyes haunted. "There was no portal."  
  
His expression softened. "You had the array destroyed, upon orders. You followed those orders partly because you expected there to be this. portal, this way home Hayes mentioned. Did he lie to ensure your cooperation?"  
  
She smiled wryly. "He's not that deceptive, Chakotay. He was telling the truth. There was a portal, but not by the time we arrived. I'll get to it."  
  
He looked away from her. "All that time, I never suspected you of lying." His dark eyes flitted back to her. "When we arrived at Earth," he took a deep breath, his large chest puffing out, "When they told us that you'd been on a mission for Starfleet, I wanted to kill you, Kathryn. I honestly did. I'd never felt so. betrayed by someone in my life. Even Seska." A pause. "I think I still feel that way."  
  
"You have every right to feel that way, Chakotay, but--" she reached out a hand towards him, but he made no move either towards or away from it. His eyes upon her were hard and judgmental.  
  
Kathryn sighed.  
  
"I think you better continue with your story," he said, voice suddenly hard. "I want to know just how you pulled off this little charade under our very noses. I want to know why."  
  
"I nearly didn't succeed," Kathryn admitted. "There was always one person who suspected me, who seemed to know something others didn't. I should have known why she knew, why she read me like a book. She was Seska."  
  
* * *  
  
It wasn't so bad, at first. I knew that a way home was out there, just 4,000 light years away. The crews were integrating nicely, and you and I began to form an easy camaraderie. I knew that as soon as we approached the coordinates of the Iconian portal, I could order intensive scans of the nearby sectors, until we miraculously stumbled upon the portal as a way home. In the meantime, the crew never suspected. Or at least that's what I thought.  
  
* * *  
  
Janeway grasped her shoulder and lolled her head to the side, stretching her tense neck. She'd spent the good part of the last two days arguing with the Prelates of Pentara IV, and she was looking forward to Voyager's arrival later in the day to retrieve her along with the rest of the away team.  
  
Ensigns Seska and Rollins were waiting on the street outside of the ambassadorial halls when she emerged into the fading daylight, expectant looks on their faces.  
  
"Well," Janeway said with a smile, "It took two days, but I've got the dilithium. Voyager's returning tonight, so you both have until about 1900 hours to enjoy the city. I'll meet you at the transport site then."  
  
Instead of departing immediately, the crewmen lingered. "Congratulations, Captain," Rollins said. "What are you planning to do, ma'am?"  
  
"I plan on getting a drink, Mr. Rollins, and perhaps doing some shopping. You're welcome to come, if you'd like?" She cocked her head at him.  
  
He offered her his easy smile. "Thank you for the offer, Captain, but I actually was planning to look at the local art gallery. I'm told it's the finest in four sectors."  
  
"Very good, Mr. Rollins, enjoy yourself." With a nod, she gave him permission to depart. She then turned towards the other ensign, that Seska woman, who was leaning back against the wall, partially obscured by the shadows of the foyer. "And you, Ensign?"  
  
Seska's arms uncrossed, and she glided forward out of the shadows of the foyer. "I take it that drink offer's open to me, captain?" Her sharp brown eyes were intent upon Janeway.  
  
"Of course," Janeway said without hesitation, offering Seska a smile that the other woman returned after a moment. Janeway felt the back of her neck prickle; something about Seska's manner towards her set her on edge.  
  
"Then I'd love to have a drink, Captain."  
  
Seska graciously inclined her head for Janeway to lead the way, and with a half smile, Janeway began to walk down the street, the other woman falling apace beside her.  
  
They made small talk, and Janeway considered the other woman. Seska's manner towards her had often been brusque, more restrained than that of the other Maquis. While Kathryn assumed that Seska perhaps simply had more trouble adjusting to Janeway's command than the other Maquis, even that logical explanation left Janeway with doubts.  
  
During the past three months, since she'd appointed Torres Chief Engineer, Janeway would make some formal, and some not-so-formal inspections of engineering about once every week. Some crewmembers were defiant around her, some were nervous, others outright scared, and some cocky. Seska was a bit contemptuous, but that alone did not make Janeway nervous. It was the manner in which the other woman looked at her.  
  
As though she could see right through her.  
  
They reached a bar of some sort, and Seska's eyes glittered mischievously as she looked over some of the rather frightening sounding drinks.  
  
"Give us the two of your strongest!" she exclaimed jubilantly, sending the waiter away. At Janeway's doubtful look, Seska exclaimed, "We're planet side, Captain, and even you must have to relax now and then. I know Chakotay well enough to realize that being captain is a tough job. I'm sure it's especially difficult for you out here."  
  
"Amen to that," Janeway said softly, a half smile pulling at her lips.  
  
The server deposited the two steaming drinks before the women, and doubt once again flickered across Janeway's face. Seska prodded her, "One drink never hurt anyone. It's on me."  
  
Janeway felt a smile creep across her lips. "Just one drink."  
  
Seska raised her cup into the air, and Janeway followed suit.  
  
"To the Alpha Quadrant," Seska exclaimed.  
  
"To the Alpha Quadrant," Janeway echoed, clinked her glass with Seska's, and then the two women took deep swigs of the strong liquid.  
  
Janeway initially winced at the strength, then slowly felt the alcohol work its way into her system. She relaxed into Seska's company, the alcohol slowly dimming the unspoken barriers between the two. They fell into an easy conversation, ordered a few more drinks. It felt good to have some female companionship after all these long months.  
  
Janeway was careful to moderate her alcohol intake; she was well trained enough to recognize when she could and when she could not have any more. Though she was not intoxicated, she'd drunk enough to fail to notice when Seska stopped consuming any more of her own drinks.  
  
Seska seemed to giggle at something. "Don't look now, Captain, but the Pentaran behind you seems to have taken your number."  
  
Janeway threw a casual glance back over her shoulder, to see a reptilian male quickly avert his eyes. "Too scaly," Janeway announced, maybe a bit too loudly. She looked back at Seska. "Looks like a lizard." The other woman snorted. Carried by the conversation, Janeway added with a crazy smile, "Or maybe a Cardassian. He's got that slimy look about him." Seska's smile seemed to freeze on her face, and Janeway quickly regretted mentioning the Cardassians. She knew that Seska, as a Bajoran and a Maquis, must have had some bad experiences with them.  
  
A beat passed, and Seska remarked slyly, "Well, company in any form can't be too bad. I suppose it gets lonely in the big chair, doesn't it, Captain?"  
  
Grateful that the other woman had steered the conversation into easier waters, Janeway shrugged. "I don't give it much thought." But she did. Oh, how she did.  
  
"But you can't be alone for the next seventy-five years. Even your fianc?an't wait forever," Seska pressed.  
  
Janeway looked into her drink. Four years. "I'm hoping he won't have to," she said softly, suddenly feeling a pang of longing for his easy smile, his warm eyes. They would have been married a week now. They would have been on Risa together.  
  
"Well, you always have Chakotay," Seska's voice sounded casual enough, but Janeway could detect an unusual strain of emotion in the other woman's eyes. "Everyone knows he's got it bad for you." The tone of the other woman's voice was slightly harsh, and Janeway had the creeping sense that she was jealous.  
  
To assuage her, Janeway waved dismissively. "We're just friends. Nothing more."  
  
"So you're not fucking him?" Seska asked intently.  
  
Janeway's eyebrows rose at the use of language, and Seska sputtered a laugh, waving at the alcohol. "I'm sorry, Captain, it's the alcohol talking. Of course I know that's just a crazy rumor."  
  
"A rumor's going around about Chakotay and me?" Janeway exclaimed, both surprised and faintly amused. "Really?"  
  
Seska laughed, but her voice rang somewhat hollow. "You'd be astonished what crazy rumors circulate around the ship, around us folks on the lower decks. According to hearsay, you and Chakotay are lovers, you and Paris are lovers, you and Harry Kim are lovers," Kathryn almost spit out her drink laughing at that. Seska, on a roll, added, "And you know what else I heard-- an absolutely crazy rumor."  
  
"What?" Kathryn asked, grinning.  
  
"They're saying," Seska said, voice light, "That you were under orders to destroy the array, and that Starfleet actually had some crazy secret mission for you in the Delta Quadrant."  
  
Janeway's heart clenched in her chest, and she looked up sharply at Seska.  
  
Seska's expression had lost the slightest hint of airiness, which later led Kathryn to wonder if the drinks had even touched her in the first place. Her eyes were suddenly fastened onto Janeway's face, intense and keen, scrutinizing Janeway like a hawk.  
  
Janeway couldn't take a breath. She knew the expression on her face could only be construed as mute shock, and the pleasant whirling in her head had suddenly dissolved into a clear, panicked focus. The other woman's careful scrutiny did nothing to reassure Janeway as to the nature of her remark.  
  
She knows, she knows, SHE KNOWS!  
  
"Crazy rumor, isn't it, Captain?" Seska's asked again, her expression suddenly incredibly comprehensible to Janeway--the look of calculated indifference, of masked cunning.  
  
Janeway was suddenly reminded full well why she avoided this woman, why she couldn't stand being around her, why she had to stay on her toes around this woman.  
  
Janeway forced her gawking mouth closed, and pulled at her lips to form a half-hearted smile. "That's incredible. People actually believe that?"  
  
Seska studied her face intently. Her voice was almost a whisper when she replied, "Like I said, Captain, it's just another crazy rumor."  
  
Janeway could hear her heart pounding in her ears, and she laughed, a false, forced laugh. "Well, never underestimate the power of the imagination."  
  
She found herself rising to her feet, swaying slightly. Seska didn't move, her eyes alone traveling with Janeway's.  
  
"Well, I think I've had more than enough to drink for today." Janeway forced another shaky smile. "I think I'll get some shopping done. Are you going to stay here, or would you like to accompany me?" She prayed Seska would decline the offer.  
  
After an interminable moment of thought, Seska let her off the hook. Her expression slipped back into that of a comrade in arms, a companion for a drink. "I think I'll just down some more before I return to the daily grind."  
  
"Don't get too drunk, Ensign," Janeway tried to come off as both stern and joking. She failed at both. "There are some bad people out there."  
  
Seska smiled, her eyes intent. "There certainly are, Captain Janeway."  
  
Janeway turned away, on shaky legs, feeling Seska's eyes on her back. She hoped, prayed, that she'd salvaged something from that mess of a conversation, cursed herself for ever indulging in alcohol and the promise of some companionship with one of her crew. She hoped to God that she'd managed to cover up her momentary slip.  
  
But when she turned to glance over her shoulder, Seska's eyes were still on her--eyes that were sharp and knowing.  
  
* * *  
  
Seska read me like a book. Fool that I was, I ignored every instinct I had and I played right into her hands. She knew I was lying. I hadn't yet learned to smile into a person's face while I plunged a dagger into his back. She was the one who taught me that. She was the master of deception, and na? fool that I was, I couldn't hold my own against her, no matter how much I deluded myself, no matter how much I lied to those around me. That was the first mistake I made with Seska, the first time I overestimated myself and underestimated her--that first day on Pentara. That wasn't the last.  
  
That day was enough to raise my suspicions, though I didn't know just what I suspected Seska of. I kept an eye on her, even asked you some about her. "Captain-ly concern", you understand, Chakotay. The fact was that I wanted answers; I wanted to know just why I was ordered to strand my crew in the Delta Quadrant. I wanted to know why, in Admiral Hayes's words, the freedom of the Alpha Quadrant depended upon our success.  
  
* * *  
  
She knew Chakotay realized that she was watching him, and she waited until he looked up. "What is it, Captain?" He asked her softly.  
  
Janeway felt a bit embarrassed all of a sudden; she didn't want the handsome commander to think she was staring at him like some lovesick teenager. Her thoughts were actually on someone else entirely.  
  
"Commander Chakotay, can you tell me something? Something just between us?"  
  
He leaned forward curiously, suddenly paying close attention. "Confidential, I promise." Janeway relaxed. She trusted him. They'd only been together on this ship for six months, and yet she already trusted him.  
  
"Can you tell me about Seska?"  
  
Chakotay drew a breath. "What do you want to know?" A beat, then, "Are you asking about Seska and me?"  
  
"Seska and you?" Kathryn asked. He must have realized that she was clueless about what he was referring to, and she could see a flicker of regret on his expression that he'd even mentioned it, but he had to explain further now.  
  
"We were involved. for quite some time."  
  
"I see."  
  
"We aren't anymore," he added quickly. "And I promise you, we work well together; it won't complicate any workings of the chain of command."  
  
Janeway nodded slowly, feeling an irrational surge of irritation at the thought of this man involved with Seska. Seska didn't deserve him; he deserved someone.  
  
Janeway broke away from her thoughts, and said, "You must know Seska quite well, then."  
  
Chakotay nodded once. "I think I know her better than anyone else on this ship; she doesn't talk much about her past."  
  
"Why did she join the Maquis?" Kathryn asked. There was a silence, as if Chakotay was debating what he should say.  
  
Finally, "The Cardassians killed her family, butchered them all. She was just a child." A pause, then, "A few years later, around the time the Federation partitioned out the Demilitarized Zone, she was leaving a bar and was. assaulted by a number of Cardassian troops." Janeway caught her breath, and Chakotay added sadly, "The Cardassian Government never punished them, so she came to us."  
  
"That's horrible," Janeway breathed, looking swiftly down at her hands.  
  
Chakotay just nodded. The two sat across from each other, on either side of her desk. They shared a long, grim silence.  
  
* * *  
  
Seven years later, in the Mission District of San Francisco, Chakotay's face now looked stormy. "That lying bitch," he mumbled, remembering those heart-to-heart conversations he'd had with Seska, curled up together in his quarters on the Maquis ship. "She played every chord of sympathy she could, didn't she? And it was all a goddamn lie."  
  
Janeway was watching him, and he hated that her face looked so damn compassionate. He twitched his hand, drew her eyes back to the phaser in them. "Are you going to continue, Captain?"  
  
Janeway almost smiled knowingly, her eyes glassy and faraway. She knew Chakotay would never use that phaser on her; let him maintain his pretense of control. She could tell him all he had to hear. 


	2. Chapter Two

PART TWO  
  
That conversation was enough to dampen my suspicions. I didn't realize my mistake until we actually unmasked Seska for a Cardassian, and she fled to the Kazon ship, then I simply wished I'd discovered her sooner.  
  
But it wasn't all a travesty. Sometimes I'd wonder if I'd even received the transmission, or if I'd simply imagined the whole thing. Perhaps Hayes's visage had simply been an illusion, or a dream. At those times, strange as it may seem, Seska was a comfort to me. She was an affirmation, the only definitive proof that I hadn't fabricated the real mission in my mind.  
  
When we received the terrified transmission from Seska, claiming that Culluh would kill her and your son, I knew it was probably a trap. I knew it. But there Seska was, with the child we assumed was yours, and if she were killed, I'd lose that link, that last tie I had to remind me each day that I'd marooned us out here for a reason, and not simply out of whim or sheer idiocy.  
  
Seska and Kes. Seska was the only other person who knew the truth, and Kes was the daughter of the race we saved when I destroyed the array. They comprised my compass, strange as it may seem. They reminded me that I'd done the right thing. And I was terrified of what would happen if I lost either of them.  
  
So I agreed with the plan, and foolishly took the ship headlong into Kazon space. And when the ship was taken, I knew just what a damn fool I'd been.  
  
* * *  
  
Shortly before the crew was herded to the cargo bay, Seska, prowling around the bridge like a triumphant hyena, stopped and leaned over to whisper something in Culluh's ear. He cast a look of scorn in Janeway's direction, and gave a brusque nod. Kathryn tensed as two Kazon stalked over to her and unceremoniously grabbed her arms and hauled her to her feet.  
  
"Hey!" Chakotay began, but a fist to the mouth sent him sprawling back to hit the floor of the bridge.  
  
Janeway passively remained in step with her "escort" as they hauled her towards the lift. She knew they were just waiting for an excuse to beat her, and she was determined to give them none. She would not be humiliated further in front of her crew.  
  
Seska stepped in behind them and barked, "Deck 6!" Janeway had a feeling she knew where they were going: Janeway's own quarters.  
  
A few minutes later, after she'd been firmly secured to a chair in her own bedroom, arms bound behind the back of the chair, Seska dismissed the two Kazon lackeys. She made a show of snooping around Janeway's quarters, picking up her things, examining them in an infuriatingly slow manner, then casting them unceremoniously to the ground.  
  
"Nice quarters. I didn't realize they were so large." She looked around a little more. "I have to admit, I expected flowery frilly things. Isn't that what you human women decorate your homes with? I didn't expect them to be so Spartan."  
  
"I didn't have time to pack before we left," Janeway retorted.  
  
Seska turned to her, expression suddenly hard. "Let's cut the bullshit, Janeway." She stepped closer, and sneered, "You had a mission for Starfleet, and I want to know every last detail. You're going to tell me."  
  
Janeway feigned surprise. "Mission? What mission?"  
  
Seska backhanded her with surprising strength. Cardassian strength. Janeway's head snapped back, and the chair she was strapped to wobbled and nearly toppled over.  
  
"Don't play dumb with me, Janeway," Seska hissed dangerously. She looked intently into Janeway's eyes, and then drew back a step, her expression suddenly very calm and neutral. "What do you know about the Obsidian order, Kathryn?"  
  
Janeway didn't say anything. She just held Seska's gaze.  
  
"Do you know just how thoroughly it trains its agents in the art of information extraction?" The way she said 'extraction' led Janeway to know the true meaning: torture. Seska continued, "I can have you begging to tell me everything you know, pleading for me to slit your throat and end your miserable life within an hour." Seska rocked back on the heels of her feet, eyes narrowed into slits. "Not that we have any time constraint. Your ship and crew are under my control. You are under my control. We can take our sweet time."  
  
Janeway stared hard at her, and enunciated slowly, "I don't know what mission you're talking about, Seska."  
  
Seska's eyes blazed. "Have it your way," she spat.  
  
She withdrew, and slipped out of the door. Janeway heard her shuffling things around in the next room, and strained against the ropes to see what Seska was doing. Seska returned then, holding Janeway's phaser, and a ceremonial dagger presented to her by an Aegian ambassador. Deliberately in Janeway's view, Seska fired a thin phaser beam at the dagger, until the metal of the blade lit up to glow bright orange.  
  
"Ah, now that's lovely," she crooned, grasping the wooden handle tightly and holding up the glowing blade for Janeway to admire. The orange light lent Seska's face a demonic edge.  
  
After admiring her handiwork a few moments longer, Seska's gaze slipped away from the blade and locked upon Janeway's face.  
  
"I've always known that you're a fool, Janeway. Stubborn, impulsive, stupid. I also know Starfleet Command, and they don't get into anything they can't get out of again. If they sent you to this quadrant, they must have had a plan to bring you back." Her eyes narrowed. "Tell me."  
  
Like hell I will, Janeway thought. Seska wasn't going to get within one sector of the Iconian Portal.  
  
"Seska--" she began her disavowal.  
  
As though she already sensed the other woman's imminent denial, Seska swept around behind Janeway, and in one swift motion, grabbed her hair, yanked her head back, and pressed the superheated blade to the flesh on the back of Janeway's neck.  
  
At first, she didn't feel it.  
  
Then the pain drilled into her. A scream ripped from Janeway's lips, and her body jerked against the confines of the chair, straining to escape the heat against her neck. The pain filled her mind, blotted out her awareness. She didn't realize at first when Seska withdrew the blade, or notice the instant that her struggles sent the chair tumbling backwards and crashing down to land on top of her restrained arms. She came to herself slowly, her entire weight painfully crushing her arms, her breath heaving in and out of her chest, and her eyes stinging with tears. Her neck throbbed in hot agony, and her head ached dully. After a few moments, she felt her arms begin to prickle because her weight had cut off their circulation.  
  
Seska appeared in her vision, towering above her. The Cardassian knelt down, grasped Janeway's uniform shirt, and attempted to rip it apart. When the material resisted her, Seska changed her tactics and instead yanked it up and pushed it above Janeway's chest. Seska straddled her torso, and sat heavily upon Janeway's body, adding more strain to Janeway's rapidly numbing arms.  
  
Seska deliberately considered the other woman. Her eyes raked Janeway's flushed face, then raked down her body, lingered upon her chest. "Not much there," she mused thoughtfully. "Chakotay would be disappointed."  
  
Janeway just gazed at her, trying to steel herself for whatever the other woman was planning. She willed herself not to betray the pain she still felt from her burn, from her arms. However, an involuntary gasp escaped her lips when Seska made as if to lower the blade to Janeway's exposed chest. The Cardassian stopped its descent less than an inch from Janeway's skin, and Janeway could feel the heat of it on her bare torso.  
  
"Tell me how you're getting this ship home," Seska intoned.  
  
Janeway's body was rigid in anticipation of pain. She could barely speak over her rasping breath, "If. I... had.a.way.home.." she inhaled deeply, and forced out in one jumbled burst, "Don't you think I would have taken it already?  
  
"Wrong answer."  
  
Seska pressed the blade to Janeway's breast.  
  
Janeway's screams drifted down the corridor. Scream after scream as she cried out in her endless torrent of agony.  
  
Seska continued her relentless torment, burning one area, then another, then another, sometimes slashing with the knife, scouring Janeway's chest and abdomen, leaving ripped and blistered skin, filling the air with the stench of burning flesh.  
  
And after an interminable period of pain, Janeway's awareness returned. Culluh was there, and he and Seska were arguing in unintelligible words. Through her tears of pain, Janeway could barely make out Culluh's gesticulating and nodding towards her.  
  
"--On the planet with the others--"  
  
Seska cut in, "I haven't finished with her--"  
  
While Culluh was saying "--she has every command code on this ship. it's too dangerous . I won't risk keeping her on board--"  
  
"--You can kill her when I'm finished--"  
  
"What do you need from her?" Culluh brought her up short.  
  
Seska fell silent.  
  
"We have Voyager," Culluh gestured extravagantly to his surroundings. "What do you need from her? Are you interrogating her?"  
  
"I'm not interrogating her," Seska protested quickly. "I'm having some fun for the hell she put me through on this ship!"  
  
"I will not risk our victory for the sake of your whim," Culluh spat. "You had your fun, now I will have mine. Leave. Now. Will you dare disobey me, female?"  
  
Seska looked rattled. Janeway could tell she wanted desperately to continue to the interrogation, but she couldn't tell Culluh why she was truly questioning Janeway. She couldn't tell him that she had other ambitions-- that she still wanted to return to her people.  
  
After a moment, "Yes, Maj."  
  
Janeway's head slumped back to the carpet in relief. Her breath heaved in and out of her, and she tried to concentrate upon steadying it instead of feeling the brunt of pain forcing its way into her consciousness. She actually was going rather numb, at this point. She knew that it would be in agony later, but her body was simply throbbing at the moment.  
  
Footsteps behind her.  
  
She felt the chair being lifted up to its upright position, and large hands intertwining with the restraints on her arms, working at them, tugging them off in a rough, jerking motion that sent hot needles of pain up her arms.  
  
When her arms were free, she found herself still unable to move them, numb as they were, and she could only slump helplessly when she was grabbed, and hauled across the room, then deposited unceremoniously on her back on the bed. She stared up at the plain, gray ceiling a second as her mind worked out what would happen next.  
  
Of course I should have expected this, Janeway thought. Culluh, who spent the majority of their encounters ranting about the evils of females in command, who desired to show her "a woman's place." What better way to rub in his victory than by violating her body?  
  
She didn't have the strength to fight him, didn't have the will to try. It was better to let him get it over with, and possibly spare her crew for any recrimination should she put up a resistance.  
  
Janeway peered up with weary resignation as Culluh kneeled between her legs, tugged first at her pants, pulling them down to her knees, then fumbled with his own. He seemed to be avoiding looking at her burnt and cut flesh, but he couldn't resist the occasional quick glance. His hand tugged furiously at his own crotch, and his frustration seemed to mount. At some point, with a soft grunt of frustration, he grabbed her by the shoulder and flipped her over onto her stomach to hide Seska's handiwork from view. Janeway moaned in pain as her tender flesh rubbed against the bed sheets. She could feel him grinding his hips against her buttocks, and his fingers fumbled around and probed her sex, then returned to work on his own genitalia. He fumbled for a little longer, trying to arouse himself, and then with a growl pulled back, and jerked her by the shoulder up to unsteady feet, sending a lingering look of disgust towards the blistered and shredded skin left in Seska's wake.  
  
"I should have come before she worked on you," he muttered, and shoved her to a sitting position. He seemed both repulsed, and embarrassed by his own impotence. "Get dressed."  
  
Later, Janeway made her way on shaky legs across the cargo bay to lower herself next to Chakotay, relieved that she'd been given a little time to rest and recover before being escorted to her crew in the cargo bay. The skin beneath her shirt smarted painfully against the coarse material of her uniform, but she relished the pain. It was stupid, stupid, stupid of her to fall for Seska's ruse, to bring the ship into Kazon space, and this pain was the least of what she deserved.  
  
Chakotay seemed relieved to see her looking well. Her face was unblemished; there was no way for him to discern the ordeal she'd just been through. And when she lowered herself next to him, stinging with the humiliation of defeat, she was able to bury the ordeal as well.  
  
* * *  
  
Janeway came back to the present, emotions churning in her stomach along with the memory of that day. She looked up. Chakotay's expression was dark.  
  
"You never told me about that," he said quietly.  
  
"It wasn't important," she replied in a whisper.  
  
He looked up, suddenly angry. "If your wounds had gotten infected while we were stranded on the planet, you could have died!"  
  
"Well, they didn't," Janeway replied calmly. "And even if they had, there was nothing you could have done about it." She took a steadying breath. "Chakotay, it was a long time ago."  
  
"And when I think of that bastard Culluh--" his voice was shaking, and he abruptly stopped speaking.  
  
Janeway looked away, gave him a moment to recover his composure. A part of her knew that his concern was not for her ordeal; it was for the ordeal suffered by the Kathryn he'd known and loved five years earlier. Janeway remembered that their four-month sojourn on New Earth had been just a few weeks before the incident with the Kazon.  
  
When he looked at her again, his face had lost any hint of emotion. "So that's it? Seska never told you anything?"  
  
Janeway smiled wryly. "Actually, she did. Later on, she told me most everything."  
  
"But Seska died. You never would have had the chance to speak with her again."  
  
"That's where you're wrong," Janeway replied. "You see, Seska wasn't really dead." 


	3. Chapter Three

PART THREE  
  
Janeway sat on the biobed in sickbay while the Doctor fussed over her chest wounds. She was preoccupied with other matters, but she caught some of what he was saying.  
  
"--These are very serious, Captain... don't know how you managed to get these... lucky they weren't infected... could have proven a serious hazard-- "  
  
She let him talk.  
  
When he finished healing the damage, she began to pull on her turtleneck, and asked him quietly, "Where's Seska?"  
  
His expression clouded over, and he said quietly, "In the morgue. I wasn't planning to do an autopsy... Cardassian customs, you understand... and it was fairly clear what the cause of death was. A blow to the head. And burns. Severe. I healed them, for aesthetic reasons only, of course. It simply seemed wrong to leave her like that."  
  
Janeway nodded absently, her gaze already lost beyond him, directed towards the door to the morgue. She hopped off the bed and started towards the door, only to be stopped by the Doctor's hand on her arm and the grim look in his eyes.  
  
"Commander Chakotay," the Doctor said softly, nodding his head towards the door.  
  
Janeway caught his gaze, and then decided to wait. Chakotay had much more to resolve when it came to Seska than she did. She could let him finish in there.  
  
The Doctor pursed his lips and headed towards his office, and Janeway followed closely, preparing a question for him.  
  
"She was immediately knocked unconscious; death came soon after," the Doctor answered before Janeway could ask just how Seska had died. "The impact to her head was enough. The burns would have been a secondary cause of death, without medical treatment." He paused a beat. "Of course, if she'd been brought to me immediately, I might have been able to revive her."  
  
Then it's a good thing she wasn't brought to you, Janeway thought to herself, aware that the Doctor's programming compelled him to heal the injured, whatever or rather whomever they may be. She knew from his expression that he was thinking the same thing. If Seska had lived, what would they have done with her? It would have been a headache for all concerned.  
  
She took a seat in the chair opposite his, pensive. He scrutinized her closely for a few moments, and then spoke up, "Captain, what are you planning to do, with regards to the burial?"  
  
Janeway looked up at him. "I hadn't given it much thought." She looked down at her hands. " The usual thing would be to hold a service, and launch her into space. But the crew's feelings are so raw... and after what she did to us..."  
  
The Doctor tapped a few buttons on his console, attempting to fill the silence with frenetic activity. After a moment, he said, "If there were an open casket, the crew would be as likely to spit on her as to look at her."  
  
Bitter eulogies, insulting remembrances. As a former crewmember and comrade, Seska would technically be entitled to a funeral; however, Janeway could remember quite clearly the disaster Mike Jonas's service had been, and just how deeply wounds were felt afterwards among the crew.  
  
Janeway pondered this for a few seconds. Besides all her other considerations, after this last incident with the Kazon, she wouldn't mind spitting on Seska herself. "We can't have a service. It's out of the question. We wouldn't do that for any other enemy killed on this ship. She's no exception, despite the history some might have with her." She cast a meaningful glance towards the morgue where her first officer lurked. "We'll just have to launch her into space. Maybe the Kazon will find her." She paused, and added under her breath, "It's a pity they didn't just take her with them."  
  
The Doctor nodded approvingly. "No service. Well, I don't believe anyone will object; everyone's eager to get this chapter of our voyage behind them."  
  
Before Janeway could reply, the door to the morgue slid open, and Chakotay emerged. His expression was grim, yet there was now a certain serenity present that had been missing from his countenance earlier; he seemed more at peace. Kathryn caught his eye, let him see her compassion--not for the death of Seska, but for the loss of his own sense of trust, of his faith in people. He returned her gaze with a small nod and a nearly imperceptible smile. She resolved to speak with him later, to sort out their respective feelings on this incident.  
  
* * *  
  
Later, she stood over Seska's body, looking at the bulge under the blue sheet. A second passed, then she reached out and slid the sheet down enough to reveal Seska's face, peaceful, almost as though she were in a deep sleep. Too damn peaceful; Seska didn't deserve peace, especially after what she'd put this crew through.  
  
Janeway sunk down to crouch next to the examination table, bringing her head level with Seska's. She looked intently at the dead woman, then said quietly and vehemently, "You knew something. What did you know, Seska? What was your secret? Why are we out here?"  
  
The dead woman lay still on the examination table. Janeway felt her hatred towards this woman, tasted it as she gazed at this person for the last time. She relived the humiliation of being slapped to the floor of her own bridge, in front of her crew, the helplessness of sitting in the cargo bay as the Kazon secured her ship, the agony when this woman had held a red-hot blade to her naked skin, and the degradation of feeling Culluh rub himself against her in an attempt to arouse himself. She relived those tumultuous emotions and she wanted to kill this woman all over again.  
  
"Fuck you, Seska," she whispered to the body. "I hope you're burning in hell right now."  
  
She rose to her feet, and grasped the sheet, prepared to yank it back up over her foe's hated visage. Then Seska's cheek twitched.  
  
Janeway froze.  
  
She watched the other woman closely, waiting for any further sign of movement. Just when she concluded that she'd imagined the other woman's movement, Seska's lips twitched, and then went still.  
  
Janeway's throat constricted, and quickly, her hand flew to Seska's throat. No pulse, no warmth, no breathing. It could just be muscular contractions; they were common in dead bodies.  
  
Yet Janeway's instincts railed against this explanation, and she was loath to disregard her instincts. Not again; not after last time.  
  
* * *  
  
A few days passed.  
  
"I'm going to take a shuttle out," Janeway told Chakotay quietly as they sat together at her desk in the ready room.  
  
He looked up at her sharply. "Kathryn, it's still too dangerous--"  
  
She looked up, her expression surprisingly clear, her eyes flinted with determination. "Chakotay, please. I need some time to myself. After this. Give me that."  
  
He swallowed back his objections. He knew so much had happened to her the last few days--Voyager's capture and subsequent return, Seska's death and burial in space, the endless repairs. He knew she needed to think, sort out her thoughts, that closure was just as important to her as her physical welfare.  
  
"All right," he said quietly. "I'll have Tom prepare a shuttle. Just promise me you'll be careful."  
  
He felt uneasy at the distant look in her eyes as she said, "I promise."  
  
* * *  
  
She waited until the shuttle was out of the scanning radius of first Voyager's short-range sensors, and then long-range sensors. As soon as she was assured of her safety, she tapped the control panel and briskly entered in a new heading. The shuttle spun about, and jetted off at warp speed to the designated sector.  
  
Janeway began to scan the sector, and slowed to impulse. The sensors soon beeped in affirmation, and, locking transporters onto the target, she energized. There was a hum behind her as the black casket materialized onto the transporter pad.  
  
She spun the chair around to gaze back at the black coffin, wondering whether she should take the opportunity to just send it back into space, or maybe launch it into the corona of a star. After a few moments of thought, she put aside her doubts, set the shuttle on a new course and went to warp. She didn't want to prove a stationary target in case any Kazon still lurked in the area.  
  
Janeway pulled out a toolkit, and fumbled for the laser cutter and the hypospray she'd prepared. She tucked the hypospray in her pocket, grasped the laser cutter in her hand, and then approached the casket. With a few decisive, clean sweeps of the laser, she severed the top of the coffin from the bottom part, and sent it crashing to the floor beyond the transporter platform. She gazed a moment at the dead Seska. The Cardassian woman's eyes were closed peacefully, and her hands had been folded gracefully across her chest. Janeway could smell the faint scent of embalming powder that had been liberally doused over her body, and shuddered in disgust.  
  
"I've got to be crazy," she said out loud. Without further adieu, she swept the hypospray out of her pocket, and pressed the instrument against Seska's neck; it emptied the contents into her with a faint hiss. Janeway settled back on her heels, waiting for the other woman to regain consciousness.  
  
Nothing happened, and Janeway felt a sudden wave of relief. She almost laughed.  
  
"Dead. She's dead. It's fine, Kathryn," she spoke the words out loud to assure herself of their truth. As she turned away to launch herself off the platform, her mind already running over the procedures of beaming Seska back into space, she heard a sudden intake of breath behind her.  
  
Janeway's spine stiffened, and without conscious thought, she rushed forward, and hit the containment field generator on a nearby console. The faint glow of the newly erected force field had barely appeared before a moan rose from the coffin. Then another chorus of faint moans, and shuffling movement.  
  
Janeway's heart pounded in her chest. She'd been right, this one time. She'd finally matched step with Seska. She fumbled with a nearby compartment and retrieved a phaser. She wouldn't take any more chances with this woman.  
  
The air was split by a sharp, "Ugh!"  
  
Janeway tensed, her eyes narrowing to slits. Her vigilance was rewarded by the sight of Seska stiffly pushing herself to a sitting position, fighting the effects of the stiffening embalming powder, and not a slight bit of muscular atrophy.  
  
Her eyes flickered over to Janeway, and Kathryn relished the surprise she saw in them.  
  
"Hello, Seska," Janeway hissed.  
  
Seska gaped at her a second, then, recovering from her shock, she slowly began to rotate her arms and twitch her legs, working the stiffness out of her joints. Finally, when her body seemed to be cooperating fully, Seska pushed herself out of the coffin, and walked towards Janeway, instinctively stopping short of the force field. Janeway was impressed by the other woman's instincts.  
  
"You're the last person I expected to see again," Seska drawled, her voice slightly hoarse. Her face was pale in the harsh light of the transporter platform. She looked around the shuttle, then down at the coffin. "So I had a brief sojourn with death, did I? I can smell the embalming powder. A long sonic shower should rid me of the smell. Thank God the Doctor didn't put it inside of me, too... I take it you have your ship back."  
  
Janeway let her contempt show. "You're right, I do."  
  
Seska's eyes narrowed. "Well, send my compliments to Tom Paris. It was entirely his heroism that made up for your idiocy, wasn't it?"  
  
Janeway inclined her head, unmoved. "I'll convey him your regards."  
  
Seska shifted her weight and shook one leg at a time, working out the last of her muscular atrophy.  
  
Janeway watched dispassionately, then spoke, "Amazing, the power of regeneration, isn't it? A fatal head injury, numerous burns, muscular atrophy, all overcome within a short few days."  
  
Seska looked at her evenly. "Quite amazing."  
  
"Not all that practical, though," Janeway continued. "What would have happened when you'd woken up trapped inside that freezing, air-less coffin? What good would regeneration do you, then?"  
  
"I'd simply die and regenerate over and over until I reached somewhere habitable," Seska replied. She peered at Janeway. "How did you know I would come back to life?"  
  
Janeway smiled with satisfaction. "Your muscles started... working again in sickbay. It was written off by the doctor, but I took the liberty of doing a little extra research. Heard of Talus IV?"  
  
Seska stared at her blankly.  
  
"Cardassian War, about nineteen years ago. Starfleet officers killed a good thousand Cardassian soldiers," Janeway volunteered. "They forged on, seeking to liberate more of the colony. It seems that these Cardassians were special, though. When the Starfleet officers set up camp for the night, almost all one thousand of these Cardassians mysteriously came back to life, and attacked the Starfleet encampment at nighttime. They killed almost all of the Starfleet officers, who, unfortunately, didn't come back to life themselves."  
  
"A good night's work. I wish I'd been there to watch them die," Seska replied snarkily.  
  
"The Cardassian government was required by treaty to ban regenerative technology, both in their soldiers and their general populace," Janeway continued, nonplussed. "But I expect that an Obsidian Order agent would be above this law, wouldn't she?"  
  
Seska smiled. "I spent nearly three months undergoing surgical and genetic modifications for them to give my body that healing mechanism; it never did anything useful for me until today."  
  
Janeway raised an eyebrow. "So you'll come back to life if you're shot, burned, mangled, just as long as your body is intact..." With a gleam in her eye, she rested her hand dangerously near the transporter controls. "What about if you explode in the vacuum of space? Will your body's regenerative mechanism rescue you then?"  
  
The sudden alarm in Seska's eyes told Janeway the answer. Her expression quickly resumed the mask of indifference.  
  
"You want something, Janeway," Seska said. "You wouldn't have brought me here, otherwise. You would have left me in that coffin, or maybe killed me."  
  
"I may kill you yet," Janeway replied dangerously.  
  
Seska sneered. "Don't posture with me. I've destroyed adversaries a hundred times more formidable than you could ever hope to be."  
  
Janeway raised an eyebrow. "But did any of them have you trapped behind a containment field on a transporter platform? If you're not inclined to be cooperative, the vacuum of space is right outside calling to you."  
  
And I'll do it, Janeway thought with conviction. She had nothing left to lose. She moved her hand closer to the controls, but Seska, reading Janeway's determination, quickly called for her to stop.  
  
"We can talk," the Cardassian said quickly.  
  
Janeway looked up at her suspiciously.  
  
Seska suddenly gave her a languid smile. "I believe in cooperation, Captain, if it serves my interest." She leaned casually back against the coffin, suddenly confident again. "But I wouldn't dream of cooperating if I'm simply going to be ejected into space, or stuffed back into that coffin."  
  
Janeway hesitated. Then, "I want some information. If you cooperate, I'll leave you on the next M-Class planet."  
  
"Really? And how do I know you'll keep your word?" Seska retorted.  
  
"Some of us are honest," Janeway said in a steely voice.  
  
Seska studied her intently for a few moments, and then smiled again. "I do believe you're fool enough to mean that." She paused melodramatically, and then said, "Fine. You want information. I'm at your disposal." She spread her hands elegantly in a grandiose way that reminded Janeway frighteningly of the self-assured Cardassian Guls she'd encountered over the years.  
  
"What's your mission in the Delta Quadrant?" Janeway demanded.  
  
The smile froze only briefly on Seska's face. She then said, "So, you suddenly believe there's a purpose to my presence here. Why might that be, Captain? Is it because you have a purpose of your own?"  
  
Janeway sneered, "You've known all along about my mission, Seska, and now I want to know about yours. Don't play innocent with me, or I swear, I'll space you." She twitched her hand meaningfully towards the controls, and Seska inclined her head in surrender.  
  
"You just piqued my interest, that's all, Captain." She studied Janeway intently for a second, then continued, "Yes, I have a mission, and since we're all stranded here it wouldn't hurt me to reveal it to you." There was a pause, then, "You see, Chakotay's ship wasn't the first vessel from the Alpha Quadrant to encounter the Caretaker."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
Seska watched her closely. "Mine was."  
  
"Yours?" Janeway echoed, her eyebrows shooting up.  
  
Seska laughed. "Don't look so surprised, Captain. You aren't the first female to reach a position of authority. Yes, my ship; I was a Gul, commander of my very own warship." Her eyes grew distant as she related, "We were pulled into the Delta Quadrant, tested, poked, interrogated, then sent right back to the Badlands. It made a fascinating report to my superiors. It also inspired some interest from very high up.  
  
"I received orders," Seska continued, "To revisit my previous career, as an agent of the Obsidian Order. They altered my DNA, made me into a Bajoran, gave me the appearance and identity of some Bajoran slut my men picked up one night. I was assigned to go onboard a Maquis ship, gain the commanding officer's trust," a smile curled at her lips, as she seemed to contemplate the nature of the trust she'd gained, "and bring the ship back to the very spot where the Caretaker had grabbed my ship from."  
  
"Why?" Janeway asked softly.  
  
"The technology, naturally," Seska replied. "The scans taken from my ship revealed the decaying health of the Caretaker. My job was to return to the Caretaker, via the most nondescript method available, the Maquis-- the native inhabitants of the Badlands. After the Caretaker's death, I was supposed to find a method of transporting the array back to the Alpha Quadrant, which would have been a simple task given the Caretaker's advanced technology." She looked at Janeway sharply. "If you hadn't come after that bloody Vulcan of yours, I could have accomplished my mission and we'd all be home now."  
  
Janeway seethed. "And the Cardassians would have their hands upon some of the galaxy's most advanced technology. Sorry, but that wouldn't sit well with me."  
  
"Obviously." Seska cocked her head at Janeway. "Now, are you going to tell me your mission? I can only conclude that Starfleet somehow got wind of our findings with regards to the Caretaker, and they sent you to stop me." She looked at Janeway with a hint of irritation. "I can understand destroying the array, but couldn't you wait until after we'd returned to the Alpha Quadrant? Haven't you heard of a bomb? Or was there some additional element to your mission?"  
  
"I had to ensure the total destruction of the array; there was no room for error."  
  
Seska's expression was hard. "You could have done that with a time activated bomb."  
  
"I was under orders to remain and ensure the success," Janeway said softly. Some part of her told her that Seska didn't need to know this, yet something inside her compelled her to explain herself to someone.  
  
"And what was so vital about this mission that Starfleet sacrificed you and your crew to this quadrant?" Seska demanded. She added cattily, "Or are you really so incompetent an officer that they wanted to be rid of you?"  
  
Janeway looked at her pointedly. "Why don't you tell me what was so vital? Just what was the urgency your government felt with regards to this array?"  
  
"I'm merely an agent, Captain," Seska deflected. "I can hardly tell you the motivations of the Cardassian government."  
  
"Let me venture a guess," Janeway hedged, starting to pace back and forth. "Your people were planning to eventually make use of this technology, to attack the Federation. Am I right? You were planning on violating the peace."  
  
Seska looked at her with contempt. "Peace?" she spat the word out like a curse. "Peace is a human invention, the creation of a race of cowards." She stepped as close to Janeway as she could get without coming in contact with the force field. "Life is about struggle, about the triumph of the superior over the inferior. We Cardassians recognize that; the Romulans recognize that, even the Klingons know that. We don't make peace with inferior races; we bide our time. If your people weren't all na? fools, perhaps you'd realize that we've spent the last twenty years preparing for the day we strike back." Her voice dropped. "It is something that any Cardassian would tell you; it's who we are. You are the ones who choose not to listen. You ask if we were planning to use the technology to attack the Federation-- well I tell you, we will attack the Federation with or without the technology."  
  
"So you were planning to use the array's technology against the Federation," Janeway breathed.  
  
"I won't condescend to explain the obvious more than I already have," Seska retorted, withdrawing. "Now, how were you planning on getting Voyager home?"  
  
Janeway's expression hardened. "I wasn't aware an exchange of information was part of our deal."  
  
"You would deny me this, after all I've told you?" Seska demanded shrilly.  
  
"I'm giving you your life," Janeway said slowly. "And you're lucky I'm allowing you even that."  
  
With that, she whirled around and stalked away from the other woman. She briefly ran a scan for a M-Class planet in an isolated sector, while Seska was surprisingly quiet behind her. When Janeway found a suitable one to deposit her prisoner, she set the new course.  
  
"Well, Seska, looks like we found you a new home." 


	4. Chapter Four

PART FOUR  
  
Chakotay seemed to have forgotten his phaser while absorbing this new information; it lay forgotten on his lap, and he was slumped on a nearby bench.  
  
"Seska lived?"  
  
Janeway looked at him with a sour expression, drawn away from her narrative.  
  
"Chakotay, I can't tell you what happened if you keep interrupting me."  
  
He stared at her incredulously. "Kathryn, for God's sake, why didn't you tell me about this?"  
  
"Had I told you about Seska," Janeway explained patiently, "You would have wanted to know what kind of conversation we were having, and then from her words, you would have want to know about what sort of mission she was on, and from her mission you would have construed information about my mission, which would have fostered the bitterness you're showing me now. And the feelings you have--"  
  
"I get the point," Chakotay snapped, remembering his own bad mood. After a second, he said, "So, Seska's ship was in the Delta Quadrant."  
  
"That's right."  
  
Chakotay looked up at her in amazement. "So a year and a half ago, when Seven of Nine started downloading too much information, and began forming those conspiracy theories, that image she showed us both, the image from Neelix's vessel of a Cardassian warship--"  
  
"Was real. It was Seska's ship, when it arrived at the Array," Janeway replied. Reflective, she added, "I nearly had a heart attack when she showed me that image. I deleted it from the databanks a week later, made it look like a random accident."  
  
* * *  
  
Everything seemed to be going well. I'd gotten the information I wanted out of Seska, at least enough to ease my conscience. I understood a little better about what sort of mission Starfleet had sent me on, and just why I had ensured the continued safety of the Federation. I was feeling pretty damn good that I'd anticipated her inevitable return to life, and I was reassured that the planet I was depositing her on was completely uninhabited; I knew that once she was there, she would have no chance to return to trouble us further. So, naturally, I made the mistake of underestimating Seska again. As I was busy making course corrections, steering us towards her new home, Seska was busy overriding my security measures, and she managed to get the force field down without even alerting me.  
  
* * *  
  
Janeway sat at the helm, the phaser lying carelessly to the right of her. She occasionally glanced back at Seska, still confined behind the force field, and was somewhat surprised at the woman's passive acceptance of her fate. She supposed that dying and coming back to life was a sobering experience; perhaps Seska didn't want to risk death again.  
  
So she was doubly startled when a dark hand snatched Janeway's phaser from where it was lying on the console and, before she had a chance to react, pressed it to the back of her neck. Janeway froze. She hadn't even heard the force field drop, much less the approach of the Cardassian.  
  
"This is just classic, isn't it? In a remarkable twist of fate," Seska reveled, her voice ringing with triumph, "the vanquished heroine manages to gain the upper hand once again on the gullible starship captain."  
  
"How the hell did you get past that force field?" Janeway demanded incredulously.  
  
Seska leaned forward a little, and her hand snaked across the console; Janeway could tell she was entering a new course.  
  
"When will you stop underestimating me?" Seska drawled. "I've fooled you time and again; I have inborn Cardassian ingenuity, the expertise of an Obsidian Order agent, training in the workings of Maquis, Cardassian, and Starfleet technology, plus the experience of command. You're a rookie at this game, Captain Janeway. Unfortunately for you," she tapped in a few more commands, and abruptly the helm was locked out of Janeway's control, "You're never going to get the chance to be any more than a rookie."  
  
Before Janeway could reply, the butt of the phaser slammed against the back of her head, and abruptly the world went dark.  
  
* * *  
  
She woke up, her head throbbing. She found herself on the floor of the shuttle, her hands bound tightly behind her back. Seska's back was to her, and she seemed to be working on something. As though she sensed that Janeway was now awake, she spun around and gave her a malicious smile.  
  
"I've been working on this for the last hour; what do you think?" Seska spun the chair so Janeway could see the screen Seska was working at, and with a few taps on the control panel, Kathryn was startled to see herself appear on the view screen.  
  
"Voyager, if you're getting this, I just want to inform you that I'm all right," Kathryn's own voice filtered from the screen. Her hair was perfectly in place, and she seemed like her usual, immaculate self. "One of the warp coils blew out on the shuttle, and I'm currently on the Neimru Homeworld in negotiation for a new one. They're very reluctant to admit outsiders into their space, so I'm discouraging you from approaching the planet to retrieve me. Everything's going fine; I'll just be delayed a day or two. They're really very agreeable as long as they don't feel threatened. Your orders are to continue with the repair effort, and I'll be in contact with you again shortly. Janeway out."  
  
Janeway's mouth still hung open after the transmission had cut off. Seska had captured her facial expressions, her intonation, her gestures absolutely perfectly. Seska studied her reaction, and then smiled a feral smile.  
  
"I'm glad it meets your approval. I'm transmitting now. I do need to buy enough time, after all."  
  
Janeway blinked at her. "Time for what?" She suddenly felt sick. "Are you taking us back to the Kazon?"  
  
"The Kazon? Oh, no." She made a face. "Those fools have the manners of Klingons coupled with the idiocy of Nausicans. Though," she added thoughtfully, "I eventually have to retrieve my son. As long as Culluh doesn't realize I'm still alive."  
  
"Where are we going, then?" Janeway rasped.  
  
"I've been making friends in this quadrant, even since I left Voyager," Seska said thoughtfully. "Far more friends than you have. Have you heard of the Krowtonan Guard?" At Janeway's blank stare, Seska elaborated, "They have transporters. And replicators. Think of that! I do believe they're the only civilized species on this side of the Delta Quadrant, albeit a tad xenophobic." She looked suddenly very self-satisfied. "I've taken the liberty of cultivating their trust. They seem to believe we have a mutual enemy. They claim to have encountered a Federation Starship."  
  
Janeway shook her head. "They're mistaken. We've never come into contact with any Krowtonan Guard."  
  
Seska smiled. "Well, they certainly believe they've encountered you--they claim you violated their space, and that they did quite a bit of damage before you escaped. Of course, the encounter they cite apparently took place a good six months before we even arrived in this quadrant, but who am I to deny them an enemy?" She turned back to her console, put in a few more course corrections. "I think we'll prove a nice present to them--my expertise to help strengthen their empire, your scientific knowledge to advance their technology, and pieces of your broken body to adorn their bulkheads."  
  
"How charming."  
  
"Besides, we never did finish our conversation. You were going to tell me just how you planned going to get the crew home?" Seska said, rising out of her seat and approaching Janeway. Janeway struggled up to a sitting position. She could still smell the embalming powder on Seska, though the other woman seemed to have washed most of it off.  
  
Janeway said, "Don't tell me we're getting into this again!"  
  
Seska shrugged. "You can tell me now, or I can torture it out of you once we intercept the Krowtonan Guard. It's your choice."  
  
Janeway finally smiled nastily. "Fine. You want to know how we're getting home? A portal. In the middle of Borg space."  
  
Seska backhanded her, sending Janeway back to the floor. "I'll make you wish for the Borg once I'm through with you," she hissed.  
  
Seska stalked back over to the navigation controls, and Janeway smiled grimly to herself, marveling at the fact that despite every precaution she'd taken, she was back in Seska's mercy.  
  
Kathryn would look back at this day, wryly reflecting that the sarcastic comment she'd made about the portal being in Borg space later proved to be dead on. But she didn't know that at the time she'd made it.  
  
Shortly later, Seska seemed to decide she preferred Kathryn unconscious. She returned to Janeway's side, raised the phaser above her head, and clonked Janeway hard in the back of the head. Kathryn slumped to the floor, this time only very dizzy and not rendered unconscious by the blow, but unwilling to let it on to Seska. Seska kicked her with her foot, as if to ensure Janeway's incapacitation. Janeway fought back a pained grunt, and was relieved when Seska turned away and stopped paying attention to her.  
  
Kathryn fought against her dizziness, and began to discreetly work on her bonds.  
  
Sometime later, she realized she was making progress. Her bonds were steadily growing looser. She peeked up at Seska, and realized that the other woman had stopped paying attention to her, naturally assuming that Janeway was helpless now that she was supposedly unconscious and tied up. You underestimate me now, Seska, Janeway thought.  
  
Seska had locked her out of the navigation and transporter controls--there was no way Kathryn could hack through the lockouts quickly enough to harm Seska, and the odds were she wouldn't get the phaser form the Cardassian as easily as the Cardassian had gotten the phaser from her. She couldn't take Seska in hand-to-hand combat--Cardassians were known to be stronger than humans. She had to be trickier.  
  
Lying on the floor, she quickly formulated her plan.  
  
Janeway slowly worked the ropes from her arms. She waited on the floor a second, allowing circulation to return to her joints. She would have only one shot at this.  
  
Finally, she sprung to her feet.  
  
Seska whirled around with a cry at the sudden movement, and raised her phaser to shoot. Janeway was too quick, and avoided the phaser shot that ricocheted off the wall behind her. She darted across the shuttle and threw herself against the control panel on the opposite wall. Janeway grasped firmly onto the wall, and Seska raised the phaser again, amazed that Janeway would stand in place and make herself such an easy target. Before she had a chance to fire, Janeway slammed her hand upon the console, and the airlock door to Seska's side suddenly sprung open, revealing the black vacuum of space. She saw the horror cross Seska's face only briefly before the other woman dropped her phaser and made a desperate grab for a handhold. The Cardassian's long, dark hair was the first thing to whip up into the air as though in a strong wind.  
  
Janeway felt a sudden wind lifting her feet from the ground, and only her firm hold on the wall kept her from being blown out along with the oxygen suddenly fleeing out into the vacuum of space. Seska screamed, the sound muffled as the oxygen that carried it was sucked out of the shuttle, and suddenly the Cardassian was sent careening through the air--she hadn't grabbed anything to hold in time. She thrashed helplessly as she flew towards the airlock. The scream abruptly faded as Seska disappeared out the airlock into the vacuum of space, and Janeway, suddenly feeling the pressure of the gasses within her own body straining against the reduced pressure in the shuttle, slammed her hand back down on the console to shut the airlock again.  
  
As soon as the airlock slammed closed, she sank onto the floor of the shuttle, suddenly weak with exertion and oxygen deprivation. It took her many minutes to pull herself back up to her shaky feet, and she almost vomited when she noticed the unmistakable redness of Cardassian blood spattered across the window outside. It probably had frozen immediately, upon the explosion of Seska's body.  
  
"Regenerate after that," Janeway muttered to herself. She lowered herself into the pilot's seat, and with trembling hands began the tedious process of hacking through Seska's navigation lockouts. With enough time, she regained control of the shuttle, and set a course back to Voyager.  
  
* * *  
  
Janeway stopped this time, interested in what Chakotay would think of the events she'd related. He was silent, his expression unreadable. When he noticed her silence, he gestured for her to continue. Disappointed that he was offering her no insight into the current turn of his thoughts, Janeway continued.  
  
* * *  
  
The next year passed uneventfully, at least with regards to the mission. Seska was dead; I knew what I needed to. Every day, we got closer and closer to the Iconian portal. I was optimistic. When we encountered that wormhole, and those damn Ferengi collapsed it, I didn't let it upset me. Less than a thousand light years more, and we'd be on our way home. And it was good timing, in my mind. After that Vorick pon-farr debacle, when you and I saw that Borg corpse, I knew it was time to steer clear of this quadrant. When we actually reached Borg space, and encountered Species 8472, this belief was only reaffirmed.  
  
I was soon troubled. We were at the approximate coordinates of the Iconian portal, the coordinates related to me by Admiral Hayes. I had Tuvok constantly scan the sectors, under the pretense that we were watching for Borg activity. Two weeks passed, and we never detected any trace of the portal. I couldn't sleep. I had to keep myself occupied. I created the Da Vinci holoprogram to divert myself from this constant state of fear, and it worked for the most part. Then we got into the mess with Species 8472, and Tuvok and I ended up on the Borg ship, working with the Borg. I immediately identified Seven of Nine as a fount of knowledge, and I took the chance to inquire with this drone about the Iconian Empire.  
  
* * *  
  
"Species 4118, Iconian," the drone clipped. "Borg memory is fragmented from this time period, but we know this species presided over an empire spanning across approximately 75.6% of the known galaxy."  
  
Janeway blinked. "That's quite a number. What happened to them?"  
  
Seven of Nine stared at her unblinkingly. "They foolishly devoted their resources towards the destruction of the Borg." The drone cocked her head, eyes chillingly absent. "They added to our perfection."  
  
Heavy stuff.  
  
Seven of Nine began to walk to another console; the drone was not inclined to participate in conversation, but this was not an issue Janeway would allow to slide.  
  
She took a breath, and ventured, "It sounds like you have some first hand knowledge of this species."  
  
"You are correct," Seven of Nine replied matter-of-factly. "Approximately forty-nine days ago we encountered a primitive slipstream portal once used by Species 4118 to interconnect separate sectors of their empire."  
  
Janeway sharply drew in her breath. That was it. That. Was. It. That's the portal she'd been searching for the past four years. That's the portal that would get them home.  
  
The world seemed to slow to a stop around her. She could hear her heart pounding in her ears as she asked, "And what did the Borg do when they found it?"  
  
Seven turned a cold eye to her. "We deconstructed the portal and assimilated the technology. Borg transwarp is a far more efficient method of travel." The drone turned back to the monitor and resumed to her work, oblivious to the stricken look on the human woman's face. 


	5. Chapter Five

PART FIVE  
  
It didn't hit Kathryn Janeway at first that her only method of getting the crew home was gone. After Seven of Nine was severed from the collective, Janeway threw herself into developing the other woman's humanity. She spent her passion on seeing the young drone grow into a human being. She had philosophical discussions with Leonardo Da Vinci. She fought the Hirogen. She cut her hair.  
  
She forced herself not to think about this thwarted goal, to assume the role of a captain who'd always known she had a seventy-five year journey ahead of her. Silently, she applauded herself for dealing well with the situation. She didn't realize that even as she congratulated herself for her fortitude, she was changing. Her expression was growing harder, her thoughts embittered. Her very outlook on life soured, and her relationships with her friends, with Tuvok, especially with Chakotay, disintegrated. She tried to open up the magic of humanity to Seven of Nine even while resenting her own. She tried to show Seven the wonders of life without actually marveling at it herself. And at the end of the day, when it came down to it, she was teetering on the brink of a collapse.  
  
* * *  
  
Just a short time earlier, the Doctor had returned from the Federation Starship Prometheus via the Hirogen message array. He'd spoken with Starfleet Command, told them that Voyager had not been destroyed, but rather had been transported to the Delta Quadrant. Janeway was sure he'd missed the knowing smiles on the Admirals' faces as they heard the Doctor's "revelations."  
  
The Doctor delivered letters from the crew to their families, friends, loved ones; Janeway's share included an official log about her activities in the Delta Quadrant, an unofficial log to Admiral Hayes about the mission, the occurrences with Seska, and the status of the Iconian Portal, and letters to her sister and her mother, as well as a passionate one to Mark.  
  
She now waited enthusiastically for Torres to download the responses.  
  
Neelix was buzzing around the mess hall, delivering the letters already retrieved with a giant grin on his face. He would approach the overjoyed crewmen and proudly present them with their letters, and leave with a goofy smile that made him look happier than the lucky recipients.  
  
Janeway sat by the window nursing a cup of coffee. In her excitement, she hadn't been able to sleep the last few days, but she felt fine. Better than fine. In fact, she hadn't felt this happy in a long time, at least not since she'd learned about the Iconian Array's destruction. The feelings of contentment and satisfaction were so novel in her at this point that she could simply sit here and relish the sight of her crew without feeling dejected that she hadn't received any personal correspondence yet.  
  
But then she noticed Neelix catch her eye, glance down at his pile of padds, and start towards her. She unconsciously rose to her feet. Her heart began to thump wildly.  
  
"Well, Captain, looks like we've got two letters here for you," Neelix said. He furrowed his brow in an attempt to look urbane. "Starfleet Command has an urgent transmission for you. Confidential," he handed her the padd, which she received with an austerity she didn't feel.  
  
He studied the second, and then his features broke into a smile. Eyes twinkling playfully, he looked up at her and said, "And some. Mark Johnson fellow, I believe. Do you know him? Or is this some sort of mistake?"  
  
"That's quite all right, Neelix!" Kathryn exclaimed with a laugh. She couldn't fight the smile that lit her face as she grabbed the padd from Neelix, and suddenly she wanted to kiss the furry, little Talaxian. She settled with pulling him into a big hug. "Thank you, Neelix!"  
  
"My pleasure!" he replied a little breathlessly as she swept away from him and disappeared out the door.  
  
* * *  
  
Kathryn, wanting to prolong her excitement just a little longer, and, forcing herself to be a Starfleet Captain before a person, exercised tremendous restraint in viewing the Starfleet letter first; it was a letter from Admiral Hayes.  
  
He congratulated her for keeping her ship in such fine shape, expressed his regret that the Iconian Portal had been destroyed, told her of his hope that Starfleet would find Voyager another way home sometime soon. The letter also continued, "Captain, your desire for an explanation is not unjustified. As it is, there are certain events in the Alpha Quadrant you should know about."  
  
Her eye widened as he told her all about the Dominion, a Gamma Quadrant empire she'd heard about even before Voyager left. Hayes informed her that open hostilities had broken out between the Alpha Quadrant races, and the Dominion. And then he went on to write, "And I'm sure you're wondering just what this has to do with your mission. Four years ago, around the time that we first began to perceive the Dominion as a threat to the Federation, Starfleet Intelligence brought us some disturbing information: the Cardassians were sending peace feelers into Dominion territory.  
  
"On top of this information, we received word that the Cardassians had encountered an advanced technology, the likes of which we'd never seen-- technology you now know as the Caretaker's Array. At the time Voyager departed on her mission, we were facing the specter of war with the Dominion and possibly the Cardassians. The Federation's situation was already precarious, and if the Cardassians had somehow managed to get their hands upon the Caretaker's technology, and had shared this technology with the Dominion, we wouldn't have had a chance in hell against them. So you understand, now, Captain, your importance to the Federation.  
  
"We suspected the Cardassians had, by some means or other, managed to smuggle an agent back to the Delta Quadrant, an agent who turned out to be the Seska woman you mentioned. Consider a scenario where Voyager had planted a time-activated bomb on the Array, and then used the array to return to the Alpha Quadrant, as opposed to what you did. What would have stopped this Cardassian infiltrator from beaming herself aboard the Array before Voyager's departure, without your knowledge? She could have waited for Voyager to depart, and then disabled the bomb, and somehow found a way to transport the Caretaker's array to the Alpha Quadrant. We know the Cardassians; they're tricky bastards. We weren't willing to underestimate them. It was simply too much of a risk to leave a bomb on the array. That's why we ordered you to remain behind with your vessel and ensure the complete and final destruction; and you succeeded quite admirably."  
  
He went on to marvel at her skill in integrating the Maquis and Starfleet crews, to dole out advice she didn't need, and to express gratitude on behalf of all of Starfleet for her completion of the mission. By the time the letter wrapped up, all Kathryn's questions had been answered. She then picked up Mark's letter, and all the cheer she'd been feeling lately went down the drain.  
  
* * *  
  
"I don't really need to tell you about Mark's letter; you know how it went," Janeway said to Chakotay. She noticed vaguely that it was probably light outside; they'd been in here a couple of hours.  
  
"So, that was it," Chakotay said softly.  
  
"For the most part. I guess I didn't contemplate Hayes's transmission to the extent it deserved; I was too preoccupied with Mark," she paused, and added softly, "And his marriage."  
  
Chakotay sat in silence.  
  
Kathryn mused, "I guess I expected him to wait. I thought, maybe, that some generous Starfleet admiral would explain the situation to him, and tell him that I'd be back soon." She looked off into the distance, melancholy. "I suppose that was too much to ask."  
  
"Have you talked to him?" Chakotay asked.  
  
Janeway looked up at him vaguely. "He came to see me, just a few hours after Voyager reached space dock. His wife was with him--pretty, brunette. Very charming woman. We said we'd talk later that night." Janeway took a jagged breath. "Then it was all over the news, about the mission. One of the crew must have told the press. Mark came in to see me, and he just looked at me. And his eyes--he just said, 'How could you do this? I loved you.' He told me he never would have forsaken me, for the sake of a 'stupid, goddamn' mission. Why don't people understand how important this was?"  
  
"They lost their lives," Chakotay said quietly. "Seven years of their lives."  
  
"So did I," she whispered in a ragged voice. "And don't you think it killed me every day that I thought about it? I hated what I did to them. Especially once I began to comprehend that we were going to spend seventy- five years on the ship. Five years, I could justify. but the day it hit me that we had seventy-five."  
  
* * *  
  
They entered the void.  
  
The effect it had on her was frightening.  
  
No aliens, no spatial anomalies. Time seemed to slow down, to grow infinite. Janeway found herself growing increasingly distracted--with what, she couldn't say. It was like she was fine one day, and then the next, her sanity seemed to slip out from under her. She'd stare out of her ready room window into the empty blackness for hours on end, without a single coherent thought passing through her mind. She couldn't concentrate on her reports before she was distracted, often by something as simple as the sound of her breathing, or the beat of her heart, seemingly amplified to match the thunder of phaser fire. It began to happen in the presence of others, as well. She'd talk with Chakotay in the ready room, and suddenly trail off mid conversation, her attention caught by something so slight as the way the light reflected off the glass of the view port. He'd have to call her softly, not so softly, and then shake her to bring her out of it.  
  
She noticed his increasing concern, and she tried to force herself back into routine. She'd go to the holodeck with the rest of the crew; she'd socialize in the mess hall. Every little thing, though, drew her attention away from those around her, from the proceedings taking place. Something was overtaking her, some thought, some memory. And one day in her quarters, she couldn't rise out of bed, because she knew there was something demanding her attention around her in the dark quarters. She lay alone in the bed until her commbadge beeped.  
  
"Chakotay to Janeway."  
  
The voice was curiously muffled, and Kathryn reasoned that the commbadge was probably in a drawer, or under some obstruction.  
  
"Chakotay to Janeway, please respond."  
  
Silence. After an interminable period, the door chimed once. Twice. Three times.  
  
It slid open and Chakotay walked in. He looked surprised to see her.  
  
"Kathryn, why didn't you answer me? You didn't show up on the bridge."  
  
Janeway's mind didn't work at first. She didn't want to say anything to him. Finally, she forced out the words, "I must've overslept."  
  
"You've been tired lately," he said in a gentle voice. "Why don't you take a few days off? We're certainly not very busy around here."  
  
"That sounds good," she said simply.  
  
He lingered a moment, then bid her farewell. He disappeared out the door, and Kathryn stayed in bed.  
  
* * *  
  
Time passed, and thoughts whirled in her head, thoughts she couldn't even comprehend. A curious fatigue had descended over her, weighing her down as though her limbs were made of lead. Everything was an effort--eating, drinking, getting up to use the lavatory. She took to wearing her uniform shirt and pants in bed, so she wouldn't have to change in case someone came by, so she could hide the fact that she spent most of the time just lying inert, staring into the blackness around her.  
  
Some days she didn't eat; others, she was tempted not to go to the lavatory, but something in her rebelled against the notion of lying in her own waste.  
  
And always, some thought at the edge of her consciousness, tormenting her. At times, she felt her mind was so busy it would burst, and could only grasp her head in her hands and squeeze her eyes shut in hopes it would stop. Others, she felt so empty, so exceedingly empty and alone.  
  
She took more time off, then more, over the objections of Chakotay and then Tuvok. She ordered no interruptions except in the event of an emergency, an order disobeyed only by Chakotay.  
  
Chakotay came in and out like a dream, urging her from far away to go with him to the holodeck, to say hello to the crew. She had to fight the urge to laugh at him; he couldn't see anything, could he?  
  
She spent almost a month like that, in her own private hell, sinking farther and farther into this strange malaise, this depression. She was caught somewhere between ceaseless torment by something and complete abandonment by something else, unable to decide whether she wanted this feeling of constriction to stop, or if she wanted to feel more constricted.  
  
She'd have moments of clarity, when she'd sit up suddenly, with great effort, and wonder what the hell she was doing. This is not normal; this can't be normal. she'd think, looking around wildly, I'm losing my mind. And then a wave of fatigue would force her back down, a sudden feeling of inertia.  
  
She spent week after week lying like that, degenerating physically and mentally.  
  
One day, she'd opened her eyes after a dreamless sleep, and in a moment of clarity, resolved to end this once and for all. A curious peace came over her, soothing her. She forced herself up, and was exhausted by the time she made her way across the room. She took out the ceremonial dagger, the very one Seska had tormented her with only a few years before, and felt a sudden rush of appreciation for the poetic quality of it--ending her own life with the very dagger the woman she'd killed had used on her. She ran her finger along the blade, and noted that it was somewhat bent out of shape. Grasping it in her hand, she made her way back over to the bed, and lowered herself down, contemplating just what explanation she should leave the crew.  
  
Then Kathryn was suddenly confused, because she didn't know what the cause of her despair was. After thinking a while, she grabbed a padd, hoping that something might come to her once she began writing. When nothing did, she ordered the computer to call up her captain's logs so she could review them and figure out just what was going to kill her.  
  
She listened and read through five year's worth of logs without gaining any new insight. Out of habit, she stood up to walk to the replicator for a cup of coffee, when suddenly it hit her.  
  
She'd stranded her crew out here for seventy-five years. Seventy-five- fucking-years.  
  
She staggered under the weight of the realization, and quickly found herself sitting on the floor, legs too weak to support her.  
  
My God. Seventy-five years.  
  
She'd spent so much time assuring herself that it would be five years, no longer, that the portal would save them all. Even after the portal was affirmed as destroyed, she'd somehow held on to the misguided belief. Now, she couldn't deny reality. The truth had caught up with Kathryn Janeway at last.  
  
She felt a wave of nausea. She was sickened by what she did, sickened by the odds against actually reaching the Alpha Quadrant. She was sickened by the reality of what she'd done to her crew, the people under her command. Shame and self-loathing filled her very suddenly, very intensely. She began to rake her fingernails across her face, as if to scour the skin from her body. She tore at her hair, trying to yank it from her scalp, her emotions suddenly stirred up into an uncontrolled frenzy.  
  
After time passed, she was lying on the floor, cheek burrowed against the coarse fabric of the carpet, her face wet with tears and blood, her body racked with pain that wasn't physical.  
  
Her eyes flew up to the dagger, sitting serenely on the edge of the bed, but she knew she wasn't even worthy of death. Her gaze slid out to the blackness looming around the ship. This void, this pit of nothingness, was all she was worth, was all she should have, ever. 


	6. Chapter Six

PART SIX  
  
"And after that, you tried to fly out alone into the void in the shuttle," Chakotay provided, looking as if he suddenly understood something that had baffled him for a long time. "You tried to strand yourself in the void."  
  
Janeway didn't answer him. Anger and embarrassment shadowed her expression. "I wasn't thinking clearly; you were right to stop me."  
  
I had no right to die then, she added silently. I hadn't gotten the crew home.  
  
"You had a rough year," Chakotay said.  
  
She smirked. "Understatement of the century."  
  
They sat for a while in a heavy silence before she spoke up again, "It was like something was clouding my thinking--something that didn't clear up until after Ransom died."  
  
Chakotay tensed. The Equinox incident was still a prickly issue between them.  
  
"I saw him, Ransom, violating everything I'd tried so hard to preserve, doing everything I resisted even in my darkest of times," Janeway reflected. "And I was angry. No, I was furious. I saw in him everything I'd been veering towards for over a year. And then," her voice grew harsh, "he robs my ship of its only defense mechanism against his enemy, kidnaps two of my crew, and leaves us to the wolves." Her voice fell deadly quiet. "I wanted him dead."  
  
Her dark expression suddenly faded. Her voice was lighter when she spoke, "I saw how far I'd gone, afterwards. I recognized how irrational I'd been. After we'd recovered from the Equinox incident, it was like a weight lifted from my chest--I felt clear-headed for the first time in a year." She stared off into the distance, and marveled, "A hell of a year that was, our fifth year in the quadrant. Tom-- I demoted him. B'Elanna-- I made her undergo that procedure. Harry--I took him away from that Tal woman he fell in love with. You--I relieved you of duty. Tuvok--I threatened to relieve him of duty. The Doctor--I nearly erased his memories again when he had the nervous breakdown. Seven--" She fumbled for a second, then shrugged. "Well, I always managed to get Seven angry. I thought about all of this, after Ransom died, and I realized that I had burned so many bridges. I didn't think I could repair all of those fractured relationships."  
  
"But you did."  
  
"I did. only to have them fall apart again." Janeway glanced sideways at him. "Did you see the crew, after they learned the about my mission?"  
  
Chakotay took a deep breath. "Yeah."  
  
Kathryn looked down at the floor. "I didn't. I couldn't face them." A pause, then she asked meekly, "Were they very angry?"  
  
He didn't reply. Kathryn felt her heart wrench in her chest, and she clenched her hands fiercely to hold her emotions in check.  
  
She had to ask, "Are you. still angry?"  
  
He didn't reply. Kathryn felt a sudden strange sense of urgency.  
  
"Do you hate me, now?" She asked him forcefully.  
  
He thought about it longer than she would have liked.  
  
Finally, he said, "I really can't decide yet. I understand your reasons, but--" he broke off, suddenly overcome with some emotion. He continued unevenly, "You didn't trust me enough to tell me. Why, Kathryn? You could have told me anything."  
  
"It wasn't an issue of trust--" she reached out a hand towards him, but he merely stared darkly at it. She withdrew the hand. "Please, Chakotay. Is there any way you can forgive me?"  
  
He didn't reply.  
  
Kathryn felt tears sting her eyes, and she turned her head away from him so he wouldn't see. "Do you think the crew will ever forgive me?"  
  
"Do you really want me to answer that?"  
  
No. No, she didn't.  
  
Kathryn clenched her fists tighter, and felt her knuckles begin to ache. She wasn't going to cry. She'd been through so much in the last seven years, and nothing had hurt her more than the realization that her crew hated her. Most of them hated her once they found out about the mission. Some had always resented her for stranding them in the Delta Quadrant, and never got past it. Some began to along the way. One of them hated her in retrospect.  
  
"I'm surprised you haven't asked me yet about Kes," Janeway spoke up. "I never did explain that to you."  
  
He looked up. "You were distraught, after she left. I guess I never found the right moment." He shrugged his shoulders. "Since we're clearing the air, now."  
  
* * *  
  
Do you remember the day when we were nearly taken by the Vidiians? They had clamped onto the hull, even begun to board the ship, and I rushed off the bridge to take care of something? That something was Kes. She'd returned to destroy us. She claimed to hate me for opening up her mind to exploration. She hadn't been ready for the evolved state. It happened to her too soon; it drove her mad.  
  
The part you know about happened almost six years later, when she rammed us with her shuttle, and attempted to utilize our warp core to go back in time. Tuvok and I showed her a hologram we'd asked her to record, explaining just why she'd come with us on Voyager, and how much she cared about us, and she had a chance of heart.  
  
I didn't tell you about the first incident because Tuvok and I worried that you'd think I had just let Kes go down the path of insanity, that I didn't care about her enough to intervene. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was haunted by what I'd seen of Kes, by killing her in the cargo bay only a few months into our voyage. I ordered Tuvok to find every opportunity to work with Kes on developing her telepathic powers. I was determined not to stymie her growth in telepathy, and I thought Tuvok would be able to help her control her powers when, or should I say if, she ever acquired them.  
  
I couldn't have been more in error. Instead of helping Kes to control her powers, Tuvok's instruction brought her to that state of evolution more rapidly than either of us could have predicted. When Kes evolved to the higher plane, Tuvok and I could only hope, pray, that she could handle it this time. Two years later, we realized that our hopes had been in vain.  
  
* * *  
  
Kes's piercing eyes caught Janeway's, and Kathryn quickly looked away. She'd been finding herself staring at the ravaged Ocampan's appearance--so worn, so haggard. The younger, or was it now older? woman looked to have lived a whole lifetime in the last two years.  
  
Kes now sat at a table in the darkened mess hall as Neelix gingerly doled out food. He seemed hesitant, uncertain. Being Neelix, he attempted small talk, which was met with monosyllabic answers on Kes's part. She seemed preoccupied with something else.  
  
Neelix glanced over at Janeway at one point, and the pain she read in his eyes made her heart wrench. She felt terrible for the poor Talaxian; the one woman he loved had returned in such a pitiable state. He didn't know the full scope of what had transpired; he knew, only by rumor, that Kes had returned with some ill design, and been talked out of it by Janeway and Tuvok. He couldn't comprehend what had happened to his love to turn her into this wretched, old woman. He didn't realize how close she'd come to going back into time and consigning the crew to a fate worse than death.  
  
He seemed to be trying to coax Kes into trying something, and after a moment, the pale woman nodded her consent. A delighted smile broke across Neelix's face, and he ambled over towards the galley.  
  
"I'm preparing Kes's favorite--Talaxian pudding. She's always loved it," he explained as he passed Janeway. Kathryn had been lingering back by the galley, sipping a cup of coffee, keeping her distance. Whenever she approached Kes, she was struck by the overwhelming sense that Kes she wasn't welcome.  
  
Now Kes sat with her side to Janeway, motionless, staring out into the darkness of space. Kathryn leaned back to get a more comfortable position against the counter. Neelix had disappeared behind the partition, and the clash and rattle of pans was the only sign of his presence. No one else was in the mess hall; Janeway had given specific orders for the crew to clear out, in fear that Kes would become agitated.  
  
Kathryn suddenly began to feel something, something strange. It was like someone was touching her mind, telling her something. She felt like Kes was speaking to her, telling her to approach, and when she looked at the other woman, she could see her eyes looking meaningfully towards Janeway. She understood the message.  
  
Kathryn set her cup of coffee down on the counter, and walked slowly across the mess hall to take the seat across from Kes.  
  
The other woman's eyes flickered up to Kathryn's, glowing with a fascinating intensity.  
  
"I thought about you, sometimes," Kes began slowly as Janeway lowered herself into the chair. "I pictured you every time the pain began to overwhelm me. I wasn't accepted on the other plane; the others tormented me because I wasn't as powerful as they were. Through it all, I'd remember you, and Voyager, and it would always make me feel happy." Her tone grew softer, and her eyes showed some emotion other than the darkness that Janeway had seen since Kes returned. "You were always an inspiration for me. Even in the darkest times, I remembered you, how I admired your fortitude, your courage. You'd sacrificed everything for the sake of my people--your fianc?your home. When I was in that other place, the memory of you was the only thing that kept me going. The thought of all you had to endure made my suffering seem light, and it made my doubts seem trivial."  
  
Her voice shook a little as she forged on, "Then I escaped. I mastered enough control to return to this existence. I sought out Voyager, urgently. I knew you were here, and that you would make everything all right again. You always seemed to make suffering into something noble. You were the most genuine person I knew."  
  
Janeway felt tears sting her eyes, both touched by Kes's words, and unnerved by them.  
  
Kes's eyes began to glitter. "And then when I finally cast my thoughts to Voyager again, I could sense the crew. Especially you. I felt your emotions, I lived your memories. And I truly saw you, Captain Janeway, for the first time. You weren't a noble person; you weren't even a good one. You didn't save my people because you cared about them, or because you had a higher purpose. You saved them because you were compelled to do so, and you've regretted it every day since." Her voice began to shake. "I believed in you; I always believed in you. and you--you were more selfish than anyone else. You were nothing like I thought you were."  
  
The emotion suddenly left Kes's voice, and her face. She continued in a near whisper, "I came to Voyager again, determined to destroy it. I wasn't going to allow myself to be deceived again by you and your pretensions towards humanity. You instilled ideals in me that you never believed yourself. You led me down the wrong path. Knowledge of the true Kathryn Janeway accomplished what two years of constant pain and torment never could--it shattered me.  
  
"When I saw the holo-recording I'd made," Kes continued absently, "I remembered everyone else I had on Voyager--Neelix, the Doctor, Tom, Tuvok. all my friends, all my colleagues. I saw everything Voyager offered me beyond the lie that was you, and the fury that had enveloped me lifted somewhat, at least enough for me to think again. That's why I didn't travel back in time to destroy Voyager. It was they who brought me to myself. Not you."  
  
Janeway had looked away from Kes at some point, unable to keep eye contact with the other woman as her words brought more and more pain. Now, Janeway sat there, shaken, not looking at the Ocampa. The first clear, fearful thought that surfaced in Kathryn's mind was, Is she going to tell the crew about the mission?  
  
Kes suddenly laughed, a harsh laugh. Kathryn realized suddenly that Kes had heard her thought as soon as Kathryn had thought it. The contempt on the other woman's face was devastating.  
  
"I truly misjudged you, Captain. I had thought you could sink no lower in my esteem." Kes looked at her with a reproachful gaze. "You needn't fear me telling the crew. You'll get what's coming to you without my help."  
  
All this coming from Kes. dear, sweet Kes. Kathryn gaped at her; no one had talked with so much contempt to her, not in a long time.  
  
Not since Seska.  
  
"Seska?" Kes said suddenly, in tune with Kathryn's thoughts, and cocked her head at Janeway, staring at her with dispassionate eyes. "She's the measuring tool, isn't she, Captain? All evil you encounter, all wrongs, you compare with Seska." Kes rose to her feet. "Kathryn Janeway, you are Seska."  
  
Then Kes turned and walked to the galley. She told Neelix she was leaving. He put the pudding in a container so she could eat it on her flight back to Ocampa.  
  
Janeway stood in the transporter room, and bid Kes goodbye with as much formality and strained affection as the situation called for. After Kes dematerialized, the words still rang inside of her.  
  
You are Seska.  
  
As she thought about herself--her darkest thoughts, her most ghastly deeds, Kathryn began to wonder if Kes wasn't right.  
  
* * *  
  
In San Francisco, a year and a half later, Chakotay glanced at his chronometer.  
  
"I have to go," he said suddenly.  
  
"Go?" Kathryn looked up at him in surprise.  
  
He looked at her wryly in the half-light. "The Starfleet detention facility will be missing my sanguine presence. It's almost 0700."  
  
"Of course," she said quietly. Too quietly.  
  
He seemed hesitant. "Well, goodbye."  
  
"Bye."  
  
He stood up, and walked towards the door, then hesitated. He raked a hand across his head, and turned back towards Kathryn.  
  
"I need to--I have to think about all of this. I guess we'll talk later." Then he added, "Maybe."  
  
Kathryn sat alone in the room for a long time after he left. She hadn't expected him to just leave like that. Or maybe it was for the best.  
  
It was about mid-afternoon by the time she ventured out onto the street. Her stomach rumbled, and her throat felt dry. Her eyes refused to tear up.  
  
She wandered aimlessly around the city, ducking her head in hopes that no one would recognize her from the news. When she was too exhausted to walk any longer, she sank down into a chair by a sidewalk café.  
  
She could hear a woman's voice coming from a nearby view screen. It was the Federation News Network. She heard the reporter's voice like through a fog, ".former Maquis have been acquitted due to their service. were released from the detention facility less than an hour ago. Captain Kathryn Janeway has not been located for comments."  
  
There was a man, sitting in a nearby seat. He peered at the view screen, then looked at Janeway. He called to her, "Hey, lady!"  
  
She looked up at him wearily.  
  
"That you?" He jabbed a big thumb towards the image of herself--taken just days earlier upon stepping foot upon earth.  
  
Janeway shook her head numbly.  
  
"Aw, sure it is. It looks just like you."  
  
"You're mistaken," she said hoarsely, but he was already turning away to call to someone inside the caf?br  
  
"Hey, Rudy! We got that Janeway woman out here--the one everyone's talking about. Yeah, the Voyager lady!"  
  
She somehow managed to get her feet under her, and fled from the caf?Kathryn walked further, and daylight faded into the blackness of night. Her steps led her to the Bay Bridge, now used only for recreational purposes and hiking since the support beams buckled in 2241. Tears trickled down her face as she walked further onto the bridge, then leaned her elbows onto the side railings.  
  
She felt an empty pit inside of her, and, as she stared out at the cold, black water beneath her, she realized that she'd never felt so alone, so horrible, so abandoned as she did now. The wind chilled her as it whipped her hair into her face, and brought more tears to her eyes.  
  
* * *  
  
Elsewhere, things were happening.  
  
Admiral Hayes wanted to give her a medal. Admiral Nechayev was opposed to it; regardless of the mission, it would bring bad publicity to reward a captain who had stranded her crew in a distant quadrant. Janeway was aware that they had this disagreement between them, but was unaware that, even now, as she leaned on the railing of this bridge, that they were arguing about it over a cup of coffee.  
  
She was unaware that Chakotay had left the detention center with her in mind. He wanted to get a cup of coffee with her. Maybe he'd be angry with her, maybe they'd have to sit there and heal, but they'd do it together. He needed to see her again. As he'd passed the hours in the processing center of the detention facility, brooding on their conversation, the look on her face when he left came back to him. Something about her expression had shaken him, and haunted him even now. He felt a sense of urgency about finding her again.  
  
He'd been wandering around the city the last hour, and had even resorted to whipping out a tricorder to scan for the trail of her DNA signature, starting from the room they'd occupied early that morning, then to the caf?and now farther.  
  
* * *  
  
Kathryn stood, looking at the long drop, regretting every mistake she'd made in the past seven years. She'd been depressed in the void, but she'd had a crew to get home then. She'd felt ashamed of many of her actions, but she had a purpose, a quest to complete. Now, she had completed it. She had nothing left to do, nothing left to accomplish in her life, no one left to take care of. She didn't deserve anything more.  
  
I am Seska. She'd deceived everyone around her. She'd lied, she'd cheated, and she'd stolen. She'd traded technology; she'd made alliances with evil races. All the distancing she'd done in sentiment from Seska, early on, she later rendered useless as she became more and more like Seska in action, in heart, in soul.  
  
And I killed Seska. Seska had been serving her government, her people, too, hadn't she? She'd been doing her duty as a Cardassian soldier. Kathryn had been doing her duty as a Starfleet Officer.  
  
I killed Seska, sentenced her to death for doing no worse than I had done. With all the wrongs she'd committed the last seven years swirling in her head, and the pain threatening to overwhelm her, Janeway reached a decision- - a decision, truthfully, that she'd been pondering, albeit half- heartedly, even before Chakotay had grabbed her.  
  
Starfleet had installed a force field around the bridge, due to the traditional high number of jumps that took place every year. Kathryn hacked through the security precautions easily enough, and disabled the force field.  
  
* * *  
  
Chakotay looked up from his tricorder and saw her then, gazing forlornly out into the dark waters. He called out to her. The wind drowned out his voice.  
  
* * *  
  
Kathryn's world seemed to slow around her, and she raised first one foot then the other to stand on top of the railing. She loomed there, the long expanse of blackness before her. The wind wavered her balance slightly.  
  
She heard a distant shout. It sounded like a ghost. She smiled to herself, and stepped forwards into the infinite blackness.  
  
She could hear Chakotay calling her name as she fell towards the water. Her mind flitted rapidly back through the last seven years. The last thing she could draw from them was that she'd been a good Starfleet Officer.  
  
THE END  
  
I decided to leave the ending ambiguous; she could be dead, she could be alive. It's depressing, I know. I'm a fan of "Mother Night"-- so sue me. :- ) 


End file.
